These last few months have been filled with some life
changes and lots of traveling. I love going to new places. Right now, while I
have the time, I will pretty much go wherever someone suggests. “Why not?” is
what I ask myself and if I have no legit reason to decline, I will probably
accept the offer. (Probably, not
definitely.)
At this moment in my life, I have no kids, no boyfriend, no
9-5 job . . .I can do whatever I want and since this may not be the case in a
couple of years, I’m taking advantage of it. I am getting the feeling that I
don’t want this summer to end. I love warm weather and the sunshine warms my
soul. I need the sun. This past fall, winter and early spring was full of a lot
of depression and sadness. I felt alone and isolated. I was grieving and I was lost.
I felt cold and exposed. I want summer to be my state of mind all the time.
There is one thing that is lingering in my mind this summer: the fear that I
am unemployable.
Okay, so technically since I’m a small business owner, I DO
have a job. But, why can’t I confidently tell people that I have a job when
they ask? Why am I so insecure? I hate this feeling. I feel like such a loser,
but the truth is, people tell me how AWESOME it is that I have my own business.
They tell me I should feel accomplished and I just don’t sometimes. I wonder what
voice is in my head telling me that what I’m doing simply isn’t good enough? It’s
the same voice that tells me I should be working for myself when I’m working
for someone else. I need to stop listening to that voice because it is INSANE. I will
never please that voice. It’s my inner gremlin and I want to stab it. (Side
note: I may be schizophrenic.)
I know I am perfectly capable
of running my own business and I love doing so, but the bottom line is that I am
not making enough money to support myself. Being a creative entrepreneurial
type is wonderful, but it would be DIVINE if I could make a good living doing
what I love.
I’ve applied to jobs that I’m overqualified for and I’ve
been rejected. I couldn’t even land a retail job because I don’t have enough
retail experience. (?????) I have a MASTERS degree and I can’t work at Macy’s?
I do not mean to brag or sound pretentious, but I’ve worked hard at my education.
However, the sad truth is that my resume is just so all over the place. My
background is in marketing, but I have no desire to work fulltime in marketing,
especially for someone else. I enjoy marketing my own business, but it’s
because I can follow my own vision. It’s because there’s an end to a means. In
some small way, I’m helping others. I need what I do for 40 hours a week to
have a point. I need to feel good about what I’m doing.
So why go back to working for someone else?
I want to buy a house. I want to root myself. This is hard
for me to do since I do not have a stable career. I know that the path of
self-employment is riddled with the perils of not having a W-2 form to prove
income and thus acquire a mortgage loan. I knew that this was the road ahead
when I parted ways with my last horrid full-time day job. (For the record, I
never QUIT that job, although I would be lying if I said I didn’t dream of it
every second. I was “let go” because I could not look my boss in the eye and
say that I wanted to be there when he asked me. My mother died a week before he
asked me this question, so give me a break.)
Striking out on my own requires a ton of sacrifices and I am
willing to make them. However, my desire for stability (a regular schedule, my
own place, a dependable income) is speaking louder than anything else at this
point. I will continue to work on BOOP and love every second of it, but until I
can afford to pay all my monthly expenses, I am just going to have to put the
job search at the top of my priorities again.
Now, if only I was employable . . .
Oy vey.
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