Summer and the "Unemployable" (?) Girl

These last few months have been filled with some life changes and lots of traveling. I love going to new places. Right now, while I have the time, I will pretty much go wherever someone suggests. “Why not?” is what I ask myself and if I have no legit reason to decline, I will probably accept the offer. (Probably, not definitely.)

At this moment in my life, I have no kids, no boyfriend, no 9-5 job . . .I can do whatever I want and since this may not be the case in a couple of years, I’m taking advantage of it. I am getting the feeling that I don’t want this summer to end. I love warm weather and the sunshine warms my soul. I need the sun. This past fall, winter and early spring was full of a lot of depression and sadness. I felt alone and isolated. I was grieving and I was lost. I felt cold and exposed. I want summer to be my state of mind all the time.

There is one thing that is lingering in my mind this summer: the fear that I am unemployable.

Okay, so technically since I’m a small business owner, I DO have a job. But, why can’t I confidently tell people that I have a job when they ask? Why am I so insecure? I hate this feeling. I feel like such a loser, but the truth is, people tell me how AWESOME it is that I have my own business. They tell me I should feel accomplished and I just don’t sometimes. I wonder what voice is in my head telling me that what I’m doing simply isn’t good enough? It’s the same voice that tells me I should be working for myself when I’m working for someone else. I need to stop listening to that voice because it is INSANE. I will never please that voice. It’s my inner gremlin and I want to stab it. (Side note: I may be schizophrenic.)

I know I am perfectly capable of running my own business and I love doing so, but the bottom line is that I am not making enough money to support myself. Being a creative entrepreneurial type is wonderful, but it would be DIVINE if I could make a good living doing what I love.

I’ve applied to jobs that I’m overqualified for and I’ve been rejected. I couldn’t even land a retail job because I don’t have enough retail experience. (?????) I have a MASTERS degree and I can’t work at Macy’s? I do not mean to brag or sound pretentious, but I’ve worked hard at my education. However, the sad truth is that my resume is just so all over the place. My background is in marketing, but I have no desire to work fulltime in marketing, especially for someone else. I enjoy marketing my own business, but it’s because I can follow my own vision. It’s because there’s an end to a means. In some small way, I’m helping others. I need what I do for 40 hours a week to have a point. I need to feel good about what I’m doing. 

So why go back to working for someone else?

I want to buy a house. I want to root myself. This is hard for me to do since I do not have a stable career. I know that the path of self-employment is riddled with the perils of not having a W-2 form to prove income and thus acquire a mortgage loan. I knew that this was the road ahead when I parted ways with my last horrid full-time day job. (For the record, I never QUIT that job, although I would be lying if I said I didn’t dream of it every second. I was “let go” because I could not look my boss in the eye and say that I wanted to be there when he asked me. My mother died a week before he asked me this question, so give me a break.)

Striking out on my own requires a ton of sacrifices and I am willing to make them. However, my desire for stability (a regular schedule, my own place, a dependable income) is speaking louder than anything else at this point. I will continue to work on BOOP and love every second of it, but until I can afford to pay all my monthly expenses, I am just going to have to put the job search at the top of my priorities again.

Now, if only I was employable . . .

Oy vey. 

Ghosts of Jobs Past: Graduate School Employment

Back in 2007, during my time as a creative marketing associate at the health publishing company, I interviewed for two librarian assistant positions. The first interview went very well, but the position went to someone with more experience. The second library assistant interview was a disaster. I was an hour late due to traffic (I-495), which caused me to be so nervous during the interview that I completely bombed. My confidence was shaken.

Perhaps I should have had a little more experience before I decided to go to library school. I also should have seriously considered if that was what I wanted to do. I did consider other graduate programs before I chose librarianship. I went to an informational session for a Master of Arts in Writing at Johns Hopkins University, but turned it down because I thought it didn’t guarantee a specific career path. I was sick of floating around. I wanted something concrete. I wanted a specialization.

Oh, I almost forgot, I also applied to NYU for a Masters in Publishing since I had experience in the field, but I was rejected. What an effing relief. I would have added at least $100,000 to my student loan debt!

I still wanted to be in NYC, so I applied to a graduate program in Library and Information Science at Queens College and got in. In the fall of 2009, I packed up my car and tried NYC once again. It ended up being a wonderful experience, but not for the reasons I imagined . . .

Adrienne as Administrative/Production Assistant

The first few weeks of graduate school were hard. I didn’t have an apartment when I started classes, so I drove back and forth from NYC to Maryland for one week. I ended up finding a wonderful subletting situation for two weeks until I got a more permanent apartment share in Queens, thanks to a connection through one of my good friends. Eventually I’d move to a cute apartment in Brooklyn and would live there for a year.

As soon as I moved to NYC, I searched and searched for a job. During my search, I was constantly more excited by non-library jobs. I knew that this was a sign that librarianship might not work out, but I didn’t want to give up. I couldn’t imagine dropping out of school, admitting that I didn’t want to be a librarian and going back to Maryland. No way. Not an option.

After a month with no job in sight, a classmate recommended a work/study position at our school. I went to the financial aid office and found a position in the Creative Services department. I never looked back.

I met my wonderful supervisor and mentor, Stephanie, who is the deputy director of Creative Services and has a flawless reputation amongst the staff and faculty on campus. She taught me so much about professionalism and running a busy department. She’s also just a really great person and someone I look up to immensely. She gives the best advice and continues to support me to this day.

On my first day, Stephanie introduced me to all the designers, editors and the department administrative specialist ("secretary"), Dottie, who was only two months from retiring and who was the glue that kept the department running. Everyone was sooooo New Yahwk (accents and attitudes) and so kind.

I assisted Dottie and Stephanie with administrative tasks, managing projects through the production process and running jobs to reprographics (the school’s printing press). It was easy work and I interacted with awesome people . . . couldn’t ask for more as a graduate student.

By winter break, I was promoted to a part-time staff member. That meant a 50% pay raise and benefits! I was excited. I would be filling in for Dottie for a few months, which was not an easy task. She was an expertly trained secretary who had been with the college for over 30 years. In fact, quite a few people who worked in Creative Services had been working there for the majority of their adult lives. Low turnover is a telltale sign of a good place to work.

I ended up working in Creative Services for my entire time in graduate school. I interviewed for a library internship during this time and then withdrew from it . . . another sign that I wasn’t serious about librarianship. I was balancing a part-time job that I absolutely needed, a long-distance relationship and a full course load. I just couldn’t imagine throwing in an internship that I wasn’t passionate about.

During this time, I also decided that I wanted to move back to Maryland to be with my boyfriend, family and friends after graduation. Home is where your heart is. I graduated a semester early and thank God that I did. Everything happens for a reason. I didn't know it at the time, but graduating early enabled me to be with my Mom for the last few months of her life. I will always be thankful for that.

Next Up: The “Dream” Job from Hell and Nothing Really Matters

Ghosts of Jobs Past: 930 Club, Freelance Writing and Temporary/Part-time Work

Before I handed in my resignation letter at the health publishing company, I started working at 930 Club. I decided to work there because I still had vague aspirations of a career in the music industry, but mostly, I think I just wanted to experience life. The plan was to do freelance writing during the day and to work at 930 Club at night.  After experiencing the misery of my previous job, I wanted to be inspired . . .and to have fun, I guess. I simply wanted to feel alive. Little did I know, I’d be broke and the freelance writing gigs wouldn’t pan out as planned, but, all in all, I’d be insanely happier. I couldn’t imagine things going any other way.

Adrienne as Doorstapher, Box Office Assistant and Barista

I worked at 930 Club (also known as “the Club” or “930”), a popular music venue in Washington, DC, for a little over two years. I can describe what I loved about the place, but unless you’ve worked there, you really won’t get it. I can even try to paint this beautiful picture about how fulfilling and eye-opening this experience was, but you still won’t understand. I think the easiest approach is just telling you what I enjoyed most about my time there:

• I learned the meaning of hard work, long hours and feeling like what I did every night sort of mattered. 
• I worked with a group of people that I liked and respected. 
• I learned how to be tough. 
• I learned how to not really give a fuck about what other people think. I just did my job, just as as we all are just doing our job here on this earth. No one is better or more important than anyone else. 
• I met my boyfriend and learned how to experience true love. (I’m still learning about that every day.)

I started at 930 as security or, as it was called there, "doorstaph" (not a spelling mistake). Everyone has to start as a doorstapher, which adds to the familial feeling that exists there. I checked IDs, I cleaned, I took out the trash, I swept cigarettes off of the pavement and made sure patrons followed the rules. This position was okay for a little while, but I soon grew tired of late nights and babysitting drunken patrons. I wanted to try something new.

About 6 months after I started, I began working in the box office. About 6 months after that, I started working at the coffee bar. My favorite position at the Club was barista because it was the most autonomous and I could hear bands play every night. I also liked chatting with coworkers and patrons as I served them coffee. 

I worked with creative and talented people at 930. I figured out life there. I was exactly where I was supposed to be at 23. 

I said goodbye to this job when I moved to NYC for graduate school.

Adrienne as Freelance Writer

Freelance writing proved to be much harder than I anticipated. I wrote for a few online publications successfully. I sent queries to magazines, but I was never published. I suppose I could have tried harder to make a living as a freelance writer, but I did the best I could have done at the time. I'm proud of every cent that I've earned, but sadly, I could never even fill my gas tank once a month with the money I made writing. All of this leads me to the next section . . .

Adrienne as Temporary/Part-time Employee

From 2007 - 2009, I had the following part-time jobs:

• Office Assistant for Matthew Lesko (Yes, it’s true! I worked for the “Free Money” guy!)
• Gym instructor for children (Soooooo not the right fit for me!)
• Receptionist for an embroidering company (Mindless, but okay. Really loved the people that I worked with!)
• Temp for various companies via an employment company (Treated like an idiot, but a good way to make some fast cash to pay the bills.)
• Marketing/publishing intern for a small self-publisher (Not ideal.)

So, as you can see, I have had many professional experiences. Life with an English degree would have been easier if I had just decided to become a teacher, but I don’t prefer the easy way. Can you tell?

Adrienne as Daughter of Devonia Miles

I cannot write about all of these jobs and different work experiences without acknowledging my mother. Throughout this time, she supported me and she believed in me. She allowed me to live with her while I struggled financially with student loans, car payments, and insurance. She never made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing and she never pressured me to be anyone else. While I am sure she had her own opinions of my aspirations and dreams, she never pushed those opinions on me. She gave me the comfort and support that I needed while I figured things out. I believe she did the right thing because she never broke my spirit. 

People have judged me for living at home during this time, being too dependent on my parents and for not understanding the “real world” by just “getting a job” so I could be on my own. Despite all of the noise, I don’t regret a thing and I consider myself lucky. My parents were/are always there for me . . .unconditionally. No, my mother didn’t force me out of the house or suggest that I grow up, but she didn’t pay for all of my expenses or let me be irresponsible either. I always had a job and I was always striving for something.

For all who have had their opinions and questions, know this: I am extremely independent and I was raised to always make my own decisions. To that, I am eternally thankful. All of this has made it possible for me to walk away from situations that weren’t good for me personally and professionally. 

Yes, I am spoiled. I am spoiled with love and positivity. There are far worse character "flaws" to acquire! In fact, I probably have one or two of 'em.

I’ll live my life how I want and I wish for you to do the same. Life is hard enough without added pressure. Devonia Miles always understood that. Thanks, Mom!

Next up: Queens College and My Last Big Mistake 

Ghosts of Jobs Past: Post-College, Year One

Living in New York City had been a dream of mine since I was a little girl. After I graduated from college, I became obsessed with moving there. When people would ask me about post-graduation plans, I’d routinely tell them that I was going to move to NYC after graduation. What I’d be doing there was something I’d figure out eventually. I just wanted to live! (God, I was such an English major! I was so driven . . .and so naive.)

I scored an interview with a recruitment agency in Manhattan. I packed up my car with the hopes of never returning to a boring suburban Maryland existence again!

A few days later, I came back to Maryland feeling defeated. The interview went well, but I was not promised a job. About a few weeks after that, I landed an internship in Manhattan with the help of my older brother. 

A word about internships: 

Internships are fantastic. Internships act as real glimpses into the working world, as well as excellent resume builders. Unfortunately, they are normally unpaid and thus reserved for the economically advantaged or suuuuuuper-motivated. I never understood the benefits of an internship until I graduated from college and started looking for a job. My internship seemed to impress potential employers even more so than my college degree!

However, internships are not entirely realistic for students who need to earn an income while they are in school. I never took an internship while I was in college (or graduate school) because I had to work.

All this being said, if it’s possible to complete an internship, it’s worth it.

Adrienne as Publicity/Marketing Intern

I interned at the Mayor’s Office of Film, Theatre and Broadcasting. It was great working with the media and I enjoyed helping with major events throughout NYC. I worked, unpaid, from 8am - 5pm, 3 days a week. It was intense.

I had to make money somehow. I had a tough time finding part-time employment while interning. I ended up signing with a nanny service, but I didn’t have any luck. (That experience could have its own blog post!) 

Here are ways that I stayed afloat during these times: 

• My generous and wonderful cousin allowed me to stay with her for free. 
• I sold my car. 
• I borrowed money from my annoyed and confused parents. 
• I had to sneak on a Metro North train without paying . . . and I got caught. (My kind uncle had to pick me up in Westchester County somewhere.) 

I was a stressed, broke-ass mess. I cried one day because I couldn’t afford a smoothie from Jamba Juice. To be fair, the smoothie was supposed to be my lunch.

My brief time “working” in Manhattan was a great experience and opened so many doors, but it was hard as hell. 

Adrienne as Creative Marketing Associate 

What started out so sweet (my first REAL job with benefits!), ended with me crying in my supervisor’s office and handing her a resignation letter. To put it nicely, it was a very difficult learning experience. 

My position consisted of marketing junk mail to senior citizens. It was awful. I was depressed. I hated my job. After a couple of weeks, I didn’t even try. I felt so helpless and alone. I was/am so dramatic. 

It just wasn’t the right fit. I didn’t get along with my manager and I didn’t agree with the company’s mission. I didn’t feel like I had any input in our marketing efforts and I didn’t really care. 

When I started this series of posts about the ghosts of jobs past, I thought I’d share some juicy details about this job, but now I don’t know if including these details are relevant to my overall story.

I’m all for a good laugh at the expense of myself, but I don’t like talking shit for talking shit’s sake and that’s what I’d be doing if I spilled any details about my time with this unnamed company. I am fully aware of the fact that the purpose of these posts is to re-examine my past job experiences, but I think I've said enough about this job.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m moving on.

Still to come:  930 Club, Freelancing 1.0, and 1913412440941409 Part-time Jobs! 

Ghosts of Jobs Past: The College Years

I had wonderful job experiences during my college years. So wonderful, in fact, that I barely planned what kind career I’d have once I graduated. I assumed it would work itself out. During college, I was too busy trying to keep my head afloat with school and personal matters. I graduated with an English degree and career options were never discussed in any course. I was clueless.

Now, let’s go back to 2002 when I entered my freshman year at Drexel University . . .

Adrienne as Work/Study Student

Upon moving to Philadelphia to study music business at Drexel University, I decided that I needed a part-time job. I liked making money and, after my lucrative summer job, I couldn’t imagine not having an income. I qualified for work/study, so I got a job monitoring the practice rooms in the music department.  

I soon grew restless and a friend of mine suggested that I work at the library with her as a circulation assistant. I loved this job and a career in librarianship was suggested by my supervisor. I politely declined and thought it sounded like the most boring career ever. I was too busy trying to become a rock star, or, at the very least, manager of a rock band and girlfriend of a rock star. I had no time for libraries. 

Ironic, I know. Who could have known that years later I would go to library school.

Adrienne as Lawyer’s Assistant

I left Drexel after my freshman year because I wasn’t happy there and, for me, it was not worth $38,000 (!!!!) per year. I transferred to a community college for a semester while I tried to figure out my next move. I applied to NYU and auditioned for their music business school, but I didn’t get in. If I was smarter, I would have applied to their English department, but I had vague notions of still being involved in the entertainment field. At this point, I wanted to become an entertainment lawyer. 

After I didn’t get into NYU, I decided that I’d study English at the University of Maryland. Around that time, I also landed a job as an assistant to a lawyer. I worker with the lawyer for about two or three years. I was good at my job and I really liked my boss. I learned a lot about the legal profession - mainly that I didn’t want to become a lawyer.

I also took care of her dogs. She had two pugs, Mugsy and Buddah, and a cute little white mutt named Gizmo. One day I witnessed a sexual act between the two pugs that resulted in puppies a few months later. It was the most traumatizing/cute thing I’d ever witnessed in my life. Well, the resulting puppies were cute, not the dog sex.

Adrienne as Babysitter

My best friend loves all babies and children. I like babies and children, but not all of them. Actually, I like SOME babies and children. No, more accurately, I like A FEW babies and children. (These include my nieces, nephews, cousins and other random children I’ve encountered.)

Anyway, one day I met my friend for coffee and she brought along two adorable little girls. They had great personalities and were well-behaved. They let us chat about life and boys while listening patiently. The girls told me that their mom had written a book and dedicated it to them. I thought that was super cool. They were pleasant and fun. 

A few weeks later, my friend told me that they needed a babysitter during the week. I liked the girls and the pay was decent, so I thought I’d give it a try.  It was worth the half hour drive from my apartment. I ended up babysitting for them, off and on, for four or five years. 

I learned a lot during this time. I bonded with them and began to think differently about becoming a parent one day.  I began to think of my own childhood as well. I babysat for a few other kids in their neighborhood, but I never quite enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed babysitting my two little buddies.

Side note: Taking care of kids is EXHAUSTING. It’s far more tiring than sitting in front of a computer all day. Much respect to caregivers and stay-at-home moms!

I don’t think I was the best babysitter because I’m not that great at discipline and I’m a bit of a pushover. My saving grace, and favorite part of the job, is that I have a vivid imagination and can relate to kids. I enjoy being silly and creative. This experience meant a lot more to me personally than professionally.

Their mother is a writer and has given me great advice about my writing career and other professional decisions. She felt maternal towards me and worried about my plans (or lack thereof) at times. I could sense that she knew how scary post-college life could be and tried to warn me.

Boy, was she right. 

Up next: The First Year After College

Ghosts of Jobs Past: Pre-College Jobs

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” - Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism

I am currently going through a major career overhaul. I'm re-thinking my approach to employment. While navigating this journey, I find myself thinking about jobs that I’ve had in the past. I hope not to make the same mistakes that I’ve made before. At 27, I am exhausted by my inability to find a lucrative job, or career, that I like enough to stick with for longer than a couple of years.

I am obsessed with recognizing a pattern so that I can break the cycle. What better way to do so than to examine these experiences by writing them down?

The next few blog posts will explore my winding road of employment history. Hopefully, no future employers stumble upon my website. (Or maybe this will serve as healthy full disclosure.)

First up: pre-college jobs.

Adrienne as Cashier 

My first “real” job was as a cashier at Target during the summer between my 10th and 11th grade year of high school. I had just turned 16 and decided I wanted to make enough money to save for a car.

I remember very few things about this job. These things include:

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s wedding picture graced the cover of People Magazine during this time and I looked at the cover everyday for a week. 
• I got the CD Make Yourself by Incubus for free because I sold a Target credit card. (This album influenced my life in many ways as an angsty teenager.) 
• I remember a customer wearing a beautiful engagement ring that I absolutely adored. I told her I hoped to have one just like it one day. She said that I would. 
• I didn’t save a penny towards my car. Each paycheck was spent by buying things at Target.

In August, my family decided to rent a house at the beach. A few days before we were due to leave, I requested time off and my supervisor told me that I could not have off and that it was too short of notice because the schedule had already been set.

Of course, giving notice is pretty basic stuff, but I couldn’t fathom not being able to go on vacation with my family! What in the hell was I supposed to do?

“So, what if I HAVE to take off?” I asked, genuinely not understanding the concept of being told that I could not go on vacation.

“I don’t know what to tell you. You can’t just go on vacation without notice when you have a job. You have to let us know beforehand,” my very patient supervisor explained.

Now, to be fair, my mom had explained to me that there might be a problem with requesting off, but I was determined to make it happen. I really felt as though I had no choice in the matter and simply had to have off. I think the family trip was rather spontaneous and I had the option of staying at home with my dad for a few days, but I wanted to go to the beach!

Also, it was the end of summer and school was starting soon. I planned on ending my job a week or so after I got back from vacation anyway. Of course, I hadn’t told my supervisors about that either.

“Well, I don’t think this is going to work out. What would happen if I just can’t work here anymore?” I inquired.

My supervisor, again with disturbing patience, explained: “Well, if you quit without notice, then you may not be able to work at Target again in the future.”

“So I cannot even quit without giving two weeks notice?” I asked incredulously.

“I don’t plan on working for Target again anyway so that doesn’t seem like reason enough for notice,” I reasoned with myself.

I don’t remember the exact words that I used to quit my job at Target. I do remember my mom picking me up after work. I don’t remember her reaction exactly, but it probably included her favorite statement, often compounded with a sigh, that she used to respond to something irreversible that her children had done: “Oh well.”

Looking back, I know I had so much to learn. I don’t think I truly understood or respected the concept of employment. At the time, I believed that jobs were simply ways that my parents and other adults made a living. You just had a job. I never delved more deeply into the concept of a career until many years later.

During the next 11 years of my life, I would grow very accustomed to leaving jobs.

Adrienne as Supply/Mailroom Clerk 

My next memorable job occurred the summer after high school graduation. At the suggestion of my mother, I decided to try finding a job through a temporary employment agency. I was offered a temporary position for the summer as a supply/mailroom clerk at Lockheed Martin.

Working in a room with no window for 40 hours a week proved to be a boring and depressing summertime existence. I worked full-time and made lots of money for an 18-year-old, but I was miserable. I spent every day alone in a room with a fax machine, copier, computer and office supplies. I was chained to my desk. My mom and I met for lunch one day in the cafeteria (she worked for IBM in an adjoining office building) and I vowed never to work in an office again. She admitted that it wasn’t for everyone.

This was also my first experience working with grown-ass women who acted like they were in high school.

Occasionally, I had to cover the phones in the call center. This was exciting because I was able to socialize with a few boisterous and entertaining middle-aged women. I really bonded with a Jamaican woman who had an obsession with Janet Jackson. Her and I would talk about pop culture and our favorite new show, American Idol.

A woman who worked in another department, but was friendly with the call center ladies, would stop by the call center to gossip and chat. She kept telling me that I looked EXACTLY like her daughter. One fateful day she showed me a picture of her daughter (my "twin").

 I didn’t think I looked anything like her. I guess the look on my face said it all. I really hadn’t meant to offend her, but I could sense a coldness from her immediately after she showed me the picture.

One afternoon, a few days later, she came into the call center with leftover beverages from a luncheon. She asked everyone, except for me, if they wanted a soda. Once she left the room, my Jamaican buddy asked why I didn’t get anything. I told her that I wasn’t offered.

An hour or so later, the woman came back. My Jamaican ally boldly confronted the woman: “Why you ignore Adrienne and not offer her a drink? You don’t even acknowledge her. Are you mad ‘cause she don’t think she look like your daughter? Well, she don’t look a ting like her! What’s wrong with that? No excuse for your behavior to that girl.”

The woman was caught off-guard and apologized for her behavior. She asked if I wanted a soda, but I declined.

I realized that maybe I should have just smiled and politely agreed that I looked like her daughter. Or I could have said that she was beautiful, but I don't really see the resemblance. Lesson learned.

This experience taught me some key elements to workplace environments: always be aware of your reactions and always be diplomatic.

Also, it sucks working in rooms with no windows.

This wouldn’t be the last time I dealt with office politics or catty women. Fortunately, it also wouldn’t be the last time I had strong and sensible women to call out the cattiness.

But, more on that later.

Next up: The College Years