This will be the first Mother’s Day without
my mom. Last year was the last Mother’s Day I had with her and I think somehow
I knew it would be. When your mother is very ill and battling an aggressive stage
IV breast cancer, it is easy to know such things.
I am at the age now where a lot of my peers (Facebook
friends?) are becoming mothers. Amongst my
closest friends, however, motherhood is still something that we have yet to
experience. Despite this, over the past couple of years I’ve begun to feel like
I should be a mother. (Although, to
be fair, being wished a “Happy Mother’s Day” by strangers at a restaurant and a
grocery store might have precipitated that a bit.)
Last Mother’s Day, I remember feeling left
out and kind of alienated.
It was much the same feeling that I had during
my visits to see my mom in the hospital and going to the Oncology Ward, and
later to the Cardiac Care Unit, instead of going to the Maternity Ward like
most women my age. I felt oddly out of
place and not where I ever thought I’d be. I felt years ahead of everyone else
(losing a mother prematurely will do that to you) and yet left behind. I’d see
happy couples and their families enter the elevators with precious bundles,
while I would stare blankly at the flashing lit floor numbers in the elevator
or offer a sad smile without eye contact.
In the elevator, the thoughts of “where I should be” would
race through my head very fast yet clear, but most of my energy was focused on
my mother and her health. I did not have time to contemplate my own
hypothetical motherhood. There were
bigger battles ahead and there were bigger and more real fish to fry.
Now there is silence because my mother is
gone. Those thoughts of “where” are more persistent and gain more of my attention.
However, the “where” isn’t motherhood necessarily and it’s not where I “should”
be . . .now it’s more where do I want to
be.
On Mother’s Day, I want to be with my family
and I want to remember my mother. I do not know how I will feel and I may just
want to be alone, but I know I will see things more clearly. I will not feel
such pressure due to self-inflicted expectations because I will embrace that my
journey is different and unique. My timeline will never be like everyone
else’s. It never has been and it never should be.
“Truth is by nature
self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it,
it shines clear. “ - Ghandi
