Okay, I'm a big mess of emotions right now due to the impending delivery of my first child. The baby is now only one day late, but it is torturous for me. I have such anxiety about so many things - some understandable and some insane. From taking leave from work to fretting over my daughter's astrological sign (the sensitive Pisces) to wondering if my body even KNOWS how to go into labor.
It occurred to me last night during a breakdown that this is the time when I need my mother. I need to ask her questions and have her encouragement. She knew me better than most. I don't have that and there's a big void. I ask women I know about the birth stories of their children, but the one woman whose experience is the most relevant to me (because of, you know, genetics) is my mother's. Her experience is the one I must piece together with fuzzy conversations I had with her. I wish I paid more attention.
I also really wish I had at least one attentive parent. My father has not been incredibly supportive during my life changes as an adult. I definitely know that I am a 30 year old woman capable of living my life without proper parenting at this point, but damn it, I still wish I had my mom around for having my first kid. There's no shame in that. She was the one who was always there emotionally and unselfishly for me and my brothers. She was a great mom.
