7.20.2011 (Not today.)

A year ago today, at around 8am in the morning, my mother’s heart stopped for the first time. It took five minutes to resuscitate her.

I was not in the room, but my aunt and oldest brother were. (By that time, we elected to have at least one family member in the hospital room with my mother at all times.)

The screaming phone call I received from my aunt that morning is not something I can ever forget. My aunt’s screaming, the beeping, the chaos. I did not know what was going on. She said nothing but: “Adrienne! Come! Come! Come!”

The panicked feeling and the thoughts, “No, Mom, not yet! Please don’t go! You can’t go! No, no, no, no!”

My boyfriend and I rushing to the hospital. Me screaming when he stopped at a red light when there were no cars around. “Go, go, gooooo! Don’t stop! Who fucking cares?!?!? I have to get to the hospital!”

We get there and we are greeted by my older brother who has just arrived. My younger brother arrives at the same time. My older brother does not tell us what is going on exactly. He just hugs us both.

We go up to a different floor than the one I remember my mother being on the night before when I said goodbye. 

We walk down the long hospital hallway. At the end, I see a woman who is not a nurse, she is the hospital minister. She says “hello” and shakes my hand. We are escorted to a room where there is no hospital bed and there is no Mom, just ugly hospital “sofas” and “chairs.”

“No!!!!!” I shake my head and collapse inward. I do not know who supports me from falling completely out. I think it is one of my brothers, but I am not sure. I close my eyes and I say, “Nononononono!”

My aunt is inconsolable. Everyone is supporting or screaming.

Then, I am seated on an ugly chair and I am calm. My eyes are closed and I say, “It’s okay. She’s okay. It’s okay.” I felt my mother. She was telling me that she was okay and to calm down. It’s all right. I consoled my aunt. I don’t remember what anyone else said, but once we were all together, we went upstairs and into the Cardiac Care Unit where my beautiful mother was hooked up to life support. Tubes everywhere, machines everywhere. Soothing music. I touched her hands. I kissed her. I prayed. I loved.

Later that day, my oldest brother and his fiancé said their vows in the room with her. My grandmother performed the ceremony. My mother's eyes, seemingly unable to track, did look up at my brother and his wife as they kissed. The wedding was scheduled for July 30^th, 2011, 10 days later. I hoped my mom would make it.

9 days later, her heart stopped forever.

Summer and the "Unemployable" (?) Girl

These last few months have been filled with some life changes and lots of traveling. I love going to new places. Right now, while I have the time, I will pretty much go wherever someone suggests. “Why not?” is what I ask myself and if I have no legit reason to decline, I will probably accept the offer. (Probably, not definitely.)

At this moment in my life, I have no kids, no boyfriend, no 9-5 job . . .I can do whatever I want and since this may not be the case in a couple of years, I’m taking advantage of it. I am getting the feeling that I don’t want this summer to end. I love warm weather and the sunshine warms my soul. I need the sun. This past fall, winter and early spring was full of a lot of depression and sadness. I felt alone and isolated. I was grieving and I was lost. I felt cold and exposed. I want summer to be my state of mind all the time.

There is one thing that is lingering in my mind this summer: the fear that I am unemployable.

Okay, so technically since I’m a small business owner, I DO have a job. But, why can’t I confidently tell people that I have a job when they ask? Why am I so insecure? I hate this feeling. I feel like such a loser, but the truth is, people tell me how AWESOME it is that I have my own business. They tell me I should feel accomplished and I just don’t sometimes. I wonder what voice is in my head telling me that what I’m doing simply isn’t good enough? It’s the same voice that tells me I should be working for myself when I’m working for someone else. I need to stop listening to that voice because it is INSANE. I will never please that voice. It’s my inner gremlin and I want to stab it. (Side note: I may be schizophrenic.)

I know I am perfectly capable of running my own business and I love doing so, but the bottom line is that I am not making enough money to support myself. Being a creative entrepreneurial type is wonderful, but it would be DIVINE if I could make a good living doing what I love.

I’ve applied to jobs that I’m overqualified for and I’ve been rejected. I couldn’t even land a retail job because I don’t have enough retail experience. (?????) I have a MASTERS degree and I can’t work at Macy’s? I do not mean to brag or sound pretentious, but I’ve worked hard at my education. However, the sad truth is that my resume is just so all over the place. My background is in marketing, but I have no desire to work fulltime in marketing, especially for someone else. I enjoy marketing my own business, but it’s because I can follow my own vision. It’s because there’s an end to a means. In some small way, I’m helping others. I need what I do for 40 hours a week to have a point. I need to feel good about what I’m doing. 

So why go back to working for someone else?

I want to buy a house. I want to root myself. This is hard for me to do since I do not have a stable career. I know that the path of self-employment is riddled with the perils of not having a W-2 form to prove income and thus acquire a mortgage loan. I knew that this was the road ahead when I parted ways with my last horrid full-time day job. (For the record, I never QUIT that job, although I would be lying if I said I didn’t dream of it every second. I was “let go” because I could not look my boss in the eye and say that I wanted to be there when he asked me. My mother died a week before he asked me this question, so give me a break.)

Striking out on my own requires a ton of sacrifices and I am willing to make them. However, my desire for stability (a regular schedule, my own place, a dependable income) is speaking louder than anything else at this point. I will continue to work on BOOP and love every second of it, but until I can afford to pay all my monthly expenses, I am just going to have to put the job search at the top of my priorities again.

Now, if only I was employable . . .

Oy vey.