I'm a mom now. What does this mean? Does my baby know who I am? Is it just purely biological? I love her, but does she love me? Is she capable of that at 10 days old? Right now I provide nourishment and comfort to her, but is that it?
I'm alone. No, not really alone, but alone. Isolated, but not alone. She's being taken care of in NICU due to a bacterial infection that she probably contracted from me. I just want her to come home.
I seek something bigger. We are all so alone. I am so alone. I've never had this urge before. Religion? A connection to something more. I yearn for the yoga mat. Meditation. A connection . . .
A simple analysis would be that of course I'm feeling this way. Hormones, yeah? And my childbirth experience didn't go as planned. And I don't have my baby home with me. My own mother passed away three and a half years ago. Of course I am feeling this way.
I owe it to my daughter to look her in the eyes and tell her she isn't alone. She isn't. My mother told me the same thing, but here I am. Feeling alone.
Search for something bigger because you can't really rely on anyone completely in life. Not even your own mother and father. Not even your devoted husband. Not even your dearest friend.
We're all just getting through life the best we can.
