Haven't written in a while.
Life has been busy and I suppose that busy is good.
I have a job that I enjoy, I'm a homeowner and things have changed drastically, in mostly good ways, since last year. This is all positive and for that I am thankful. (Oh yeah, and my braces are off! Whoo hoo!)
How can I explain that I'm also sad in some ways? The most obvious reason being that I don't have my mother here to celebrate these life changes and accomplishments. I know that there are some mothers who aren't there for their children, but my mom always was and I have had to adjust to a new reality for the past year and a half.
(Side note: The thing about humans is that we're many different things to so many different people. Everyone who was close to my mom has had to adjust to this new reality. It's tough for us all. We're all still grieving.)
I've recently found out that I have to have my thyroid removed due to some suspicious cell activity. I have a 40% chance of getting cancer in my right thyroid gland. God, I hate cancer.
This surgery isn't uncommon and many other people have had it. I will not know if the cells are cancerous until my thyroid is removed and further testing is conducted. I know I will be fine and I'm strong and all that stuff, but I'm also feeling a bit despondent.
I have flashbacks to my mother's illness. Her experiences with tests, doctors and hospitals. Her feeling alone as she went to those early doctor appointments. Her dependence on her parents to take care of her spiritually, emotionally and physically during her illness. Her trying to protect her children from the pain, which kind of made me feel isolated and helpless.
I have a vivid memory of watching my mother call for her mom from her bedroom one day. I remember feeling left out and unneeded, wanting her to be stronger and knowing that I probably wouldn't have the same support when I am her age. Knowing that I probably wouldn't have a/my mother to take care of me or my children if I had to face a serious illness one day. I remember accepting this and knowing life would be different for me. I realized that I'd have to construct a different kind of support system for myself. And that had to be okay because I had no other choice.
Now, over a year later, I do have a wonderful support system that consists of beautiful and loving family, friends and even coworkers. I know I will be fine and for that, I am thankful.
While I do carry some sadness around, there's also a lot to be happy about. There's a lot to look forward to.
Now that I'm finding my groove at work and settling into my new home, I hope to write more. I also want to take singing lessons again. There's so much I want to do. Busy is good.
Namaste.
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A word on adriennechristina.com: Back in October/November, I accidentally let my domain name expire. Crap. Now, it's proving very difficult (and far too expensive) to re-register my domain. For the time being, I'm doing without. Hopefully it's still just as easy to find me. Thanks for still checking out what I've got to say. Until next time . . .
