In my feelings

2018 is coming to an end. I'm feeling down. I'm feeling drained. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. My daughter Caelin is growing up. There's a gut-wrenching pain as I realize this. Watching her with her Frozen "big girl backpack" and cute outfit and freshly-trimmed hair. She is so beautiful and so perfect to me. She is not mine. She will leave me. I get so frustrated by her and frequently daydream about life without kids -- reading whenever and whatever I want. Watching TV. Not buying anymore empty carbs - no more Goldfish for me to mindlessly eat. Working out. Having a trimmer figure. But I know I am so lucky. I am so here for this moment. I've always wanted this moment. And yet, I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm bitter. I'm resentful. I'm elated. I'm blissful. I'm so much and so many things.

The housework is still never-ending but I'm making peace with it, I think. We're getting more organized. As a busy mother of two who is married to a man who does not put things away and who does not notice trash that needs to be taken out (like, ever), I really rely on organization and structure. I am not neat. I am not tidy. But if I'm the one who has to make sure kids, mom, dog, dad and now FISH are all surviving and, if we're lucky, thriving (!)  then I better know where things are. Organization saves us time.

The holidays are over. Truly my favorite time of year. Maybe that's another reason for my sadness?

B12 deficiency? Vitamin D deficiency? Post-pregnancy hormones? Who knows. I'm learning to sit in it. Cope. Not ignoring it. Just being.

Had a dream last night about my mom that was so real that I believe it has thrown off my entire morning. I didn't realize why the morning felt so off until I took a moment to reflect and feel my feelings. This morning I've had an unsettling feeling like something is missing. I have been feeling like I'm forgetting something. But now I remember and I can move forward with my day.